A Summertime remembrance

My sister Bonnie wanted to share this memory of Keith . . .

Growing up, in the summer, Keith and I would always spend our days together...We would eat breakfast together and then sometimes for lunch he would ride his bike to the store and buy us lunch...Then we would watch "The Great Space Coaster" together followed by a show called "Today's Special" on Nickelodeon...After that, we'd walk to the pool, spend the day hanging out, and then go home....We'd do this every day during the summer....

Memories from the Funeral Part I

My Dad drives the bus for the parochial school that all his children attended. My 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Molick is now the Principal of the School. At Keith's funeral, the entire student body attended. Generally, this is not done. The students who knew the deceased or perhaps the class of the deceased relative will attend the funeral. But there they were the entire student population of Queen of the Rosary was on hand mostly out of the respect the students and faculty have for my Dad. Their attendance meant a great deal to Him and to our whole family.

Amy Remembers Keith Part I

Amy has chimed in with a few remembrances of my brother, here is the first . . .

Keith loved his kids. He never considered it stepping down when he had to get on the floor and do a puzzle with the kids. He loved games as well and would fully engage in whatever he was doing with one of his kids. He loved reading to them, playing games with them, taking them to the park, etc. Keith loved his kids.

Keith, Nikki, Bonnie play Backgammon part III

Last Time: Nikki was sharing her interior monologue over the prospect of a backgammon tutorial with Keith.

Before I had a chance to bail, the game board was all set up and the practical portion of the lesson had begun in earnest. As we began playing, I didn’t understand half of Keith’s continuing instructions – the basic rules and strategy were just too much. And my God, all the numbers. And the points. And counting how far you could or could not move your checkers. He might as well have been speaking Klingon.

When I look back on this memory I can’t believe I exposed myself to such a risky situation (playing a new game that I didn’t understand in front of people I didn’t know very well). But Bonnie was gentle and reassuring, and Keith was completely disarming in that warm, welcoming, affable way that, at least in my experience, is a bit of a Roller trademark. His over-the-top goofball nature didn’t hurt, either.

I don’t think the tutorial was ultimately successful – at least not in the conventional sense. The prize for this game would take a different form: the unconditional openhearted camaraderie of her two cousins had provoked a shy little girl to let down her guard and just “be,” at least for a couple of hours.

I couldn’t have appreciated the specialness of this moment at that young age. But I fully understand its significance now. Sure, this memory provides a perspective on my own growth. But more importantly, my experience with Keith and Bonnie on that day honors what I believe is the essence of what it means to be a Roller: to live the spirit of “goodwill toward men” with such ease that it is as automatic and involuntary as breathing.

It would be easy to take this singular quality for granted; it is subtle and pervasive like clear air. (For the members of the Roller family, it also is enduring and graceful like strong faith.) As I grow older though, I find that this brand of kindness, which is unmitigated and unprovoked, is not something I run into very often in the real world. So I have great reverence for it when I do.

As we enter the season of Thanksgiving during a year that has brought many disappointments and many challenges for many people I care about, this standard of kindness seems particularly relevant and extraordinary to me. And therefore it seems like the perfect time to give a little bit of that love back by taking the time to say:

Thanks, Keith and Bonnie for playing Backgammon with me. Thanks to all of the Roller Family for being who you are.

Love, Nikki Roller

Keith, Nikki and Bonnie play backgammon Part II

Last Time: My cousin Nikki started a remembrance of a Backgammon tutorial between Keith, Herself and my sister Bonnie.

As the idea of playing Backgammon was formally broached, two consecutive conversations about the game started to take place: the one that I was having with myself in my own head and the sales pitch a very optimistic and enthusiastic Keith was giving me about the game. I don’t remember the exact words of these conversations, but I’m pretty sure they went something like this: ME: What if I make a mistake?

KEITH: “It’s real easy.”

ME: But the game board looks so cool.

KEITH: “All you’ve got to do is …”

ME: What if I can’t do it?

KEITH: “You roll the dice…”

ME: But those fancy checkers are neato. They make a ‘tink, tink, tink’ sound. I’m not sure I want to play this game, but boy do I want to play **with** this game.

KEITH: “The white checkers move this way … the brown checkers move that way…”

ME: Oh God. What if they make fun of me when I make a mistake…

To be Concluded

Keith, Nikki and Bonnie play Backgammon Part I

The next 3 remembrances come from my cousin Nikki



My earliest memory of Keith is actually my earliest memory of the David Roller branch of the family, who had come to my parents’ house in Bristol for a visit – I’m not sure if it was part of a bigger occasion, or just a casual get-together. I think I was in grade school at the time. Maybe junior high. At any rate, on this day Keith and Bonnie tried to teach me how to play Backgammon. I believe we also may have been eating brownies.

I was pretty shy as a kid. I was skeptical of everyone and everything, and absolutely terrified of embarrassing myself in anyway. So, the whole prospect of playing a new game to me seemed dubious at best, mortifying at worst.

To be continued ...

Born in 1970

In our last installment, I shared famous people born November 11th.

This time I will share some folks who shared his 1970 year of birth.

Andre Agassi, tennis player - born April 29th. Keith's older siblings used to tease him about his buzz cuts. We would compare his head to a tennis ball.

Matt Damon. Born October 8th. Films include Good Will Hunting, Rounders.

Minnie Driver, actress - born January 31st. Films include Good Will Hunting, Circle of Friends.

Chris O'Donnell, actor - born June 26th. Films include Circle of Friends, Batman and Robin.

Kirk Cameron, actor - born October 12th. Portrayed Mike Seaver on Growing Pains. On Christmas day our family would all quote Cameron as Seaver scouting out unopened Christmas presents "Socks, resale value $8.00".

Malcolm-Jamal Warner, actor - born August 18th. Played Theo Huxtable in Cosby Show.

Ethan Hawke, actor - born November 6th. Films include Dead Poets Society and Gattaca.

Born November 11th

Keith was born November 11, 1970. Keith was a big fan of trivia, so he would probably be interested in famous people throughout history who shar his birthday.

Here is a sampling . . .

Abigail Adams born 1744. Wife of President John Adams and mother of President John Quincy Adams.

Leonardo DiCaprio born 1974. Actor. What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Titanic, Catch me if you can.

Hugh Everett born 1930. Quantum Physicist.

Patrick Knowles born 1911. Actor - Played the Wolfman. Keith was always fascinated with the numbers associated with his birthday and would think this guys birthday 11-11-11 something to howl over.

Marc Summers born 1951. Game Show Host. Keith is a big fan of game shows and was always a fan of shows like Double Dare on Nickelodeon whic Summers hosted.

Joanthan winters born 1925. Comedian. Played the son of Mork and Mindy in the ABC sitcom of the same name. Keith and I always liked quoting Mork saying things like "Never go to Pluto, it's a Mickey Mouse planet.

Chess

Keith loved Chess. He was a good player and a good teacher. My son Charlie took a homeschool chess class last year. The last time Charlie saw Keith alive, Keith was helping him with His Chess homework. I remember one time last year when I was visiting Keith in the Hospital. He and I played a game of Chess and I routed him which is not only unusual, its incomprehensible. I'll beat him once a decade but to dominate him, that's unheard of. After the chess game Keith took a nap and when he awoke, he did not remember me being there and certainly did not remember us playing. I'd like to think he was making that up. But when we played later, he beat my brains in which was the typical result. It was goog to know that he couldn't beat me in his sleep.

Today Charlie and I will play a chess game in your Memory.

A Mother's Memory Part I

My Mom had a few memories she wanted to share, Her is the first . . .

I remember shopping with Lynn & Keith for a crib for Bobby at Babies are us. When the 2 young men who loaded the purchases into the car were speaking in Spanish to each other, I heard a third voice and was amazed to realize that Keith had joined right in in fluent Spanish like he was native to Mexico. I knew he had taken Spanish in high school, but I never knew he was so good at it. When I asked him about it, he said that he needed to communicate with the Spanish-speaking kids who helped him unload the truck(at McDonalds), and he learned it very well Spanish. I was really amazed to realize that he could converse so well in Spanish, and he didn’t think a thing of it.

Fred Astaire on Dick Cavett

Keith, like most of the Rollers, was a big television watcher. So when my mom recounted the particulars of his birth, I should not have been surprised. My mom was watching the Dick Cavett show at about 10:30 p.m. on Nov 10th. Fred Astaire was a guest. Mom went to the bathroom and found that it was time to get going to the hospital. This was before VCR's, TiVo, and the like, and my Mom wanted to stay a while longer and watch the interview (Which is so Keith.). My Dad intervened, and off they were to Des Plaines and some time around 2:30 A.M Keith was born.

But don't worry Mom, next year the prequel to Frost/Nixon is coming out. I hope you really enjoy Cavett/Astaire.

The Humor of Keith: Ham on Wry.

Keith had a great sense of humor. But the problem was that too often he had my sense of humor and I was already using it. When he wasn't trying to be me, his humor shone. Puns and song parodies can only get you so far. What he excelled in was observational humor.

One of my favorite lines I remember from Him was in describing my organizational system, or lack thereof.

A place for everything, and everything on the floor.

Not only did that comment describe me down to the empty file folder system next to the pile of papers, but it also showed the keen analytical mind that God gifted Him with.

When I heard Keith was sick.

I worked at a mortgage company for almost 9 years. From 4 months before I was married until about 8 months after Lucy was born. Let's just say that I did not choose to leave my employment at that time and leave it at that.

I was out of work for about 6 weeks. During that time our family was able to do a lot of things together. One of those things was to go out to see a movie in the park that our park district was hosting. The movie was Racing Stripes. While we were watching it, our cell phone rang. We had only just got a cell phone and only 1 or 2 people knew the number.

It was my Dad on my phone to tell us of Keith's illness. 10% use of his Kindeys and about the same in his heart. A few months before after Lucy was born Amy was hospitalized for the same diagnosis but within 2 days was given a clean bill of health. How we hoped and prayed this was a similar situation.

That was not the case of course and less than 3 years after the original diagnosis, Keith was gone. One thing that did strike me was that at a time when Keith needed me the most I was able to be there for Him. During the time I had off work, I was able to visit him regularly at the hospital and even spend a week with Him when he was being checked out at the Mayo Clinic.

That time especially taught me so much about reaching out to those that are hurting and being an advocate for them. I am still struck how God freed up my schedule tominister to Keith but also provided a new job for me within the time needed to provide for my own family.

A Bet I Wish I Lost

Originally posted the day he died

My brother Keith had been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes since 2006. He had heart and kidney conditions uncommon in a man so young. I visited him in 5 hospitals, 2 nursing homes from here to Minnesota. Last summer at the end of an almost 3 month stint in hospitals and nursing homes I offered him $100.00 if he could avoid the aforementioned for a period of a year. This winter and spring he had been making the hospital and nursing home circuit again.

This April he was taken in an ambulance from his nursing home to a nearby hospital with cardiac arrest. He did not survive the trip. That is $100.00 I would have gladly parted with. Parting with him will be another deal entirely. I covet prayers for his family. That they would trust God knowing that Keith lives now with his Heavenly Father. That we'd be able to live without him.

Remembering my Brother

My Brother Keith would have turned 39 today. Every 39 minutes a remembrance from myself, a family member, or a friend will be posted in tribute. I will rerun a few of the posts that have already run here. Once the tribute is completed I will weave them into some sort of keep sake.

This is a picture of when Keith visited me in Russia in the summer of '94.

Happy Birthday Charlie! I Miss You Keith!

Today my son turns 8. It's an exciting day for me and also a difficult one. This is the first day of my Brother's birth month. He would have turned 39 this year. He died in April. I have blogged extensively about it here.



I have decided to celebrate my brother's life in a small way by separating all my posts this month by 39 hours. I will not be blogging about Him each time but He will definitely be on my mind. I will interrupt that cadence on Midnight November 11th (his birthday) to share little remembrances every 39 minutes. It is the kind of mathematical pattern that I think Keith would enjoy. To my facebook friends and family who remember Keith I encourage you to send remembrances to me and I will include them in my salute. I'll edit the montage afterward and make it available to you in a more accessible format.



Now back to my birthday boy. Let me give you a couple connections he has to Keith. Like Keith he is very logical and loves strategy games like Chess and Risk. Charlie was the last of my children to see my brother alive. I brought him to visit Keith and Keith helped him with his Chess Homework.



Charlie is in the same Cub scout pack as his cousin Bobby. I am taking them both together so Bobby has a male influence there. I hope to have a good picture of the both of them soon in scout uniform but here is one of Charlie for the time being.


Happy Birthday Charlie! I miss you, Keith! I Salute you both!

A Place for Everything; Everything on Floor.

WFMW is having a special themed edition on organizational tips today. Organization is not one of my strong suits as my title suggests. My late brother made that wry observation once, noting that while I often had an elaborate organizational system nothing ever seemed to get where it was supposed to be.

So why am I just not laying low until next week? A good question. I think what I want to share today is what I would title as a "Works For Me" in progress, something that I chronically struggle with but hope to subdue someday.

Here are some ways I am trying to get Organization to work for me:

• Looking through the mail.

Before: Stopping everything I was doing to get the mail when it came in and invariably leaving junk mail and catalogues I "was going to get to" all over the house.

Now: Try to wait until I am able to deal with the mail to take it out of the box. Go through mail near garbage can so I can throw away all junk immediately.

Working On: To be able to deal with all mail in one setting putting bills and correspondence where they belong and disposing of rest.

• Keeping house in order.

Before: Leaving job after job 1/2 done with idea of getting to later. Dealing with cleaning and organization on as needed or crisis to crisis basis.

Current: Attempting to order as I go. Finding that I often still am under the command of the tyranny of the urgent. I also have tinkered with "multitasking" which usually ends with a 1/2 cleaned mess in every room and a frazzled and frustrated me.

Working on: To finish one job completely before moving on with another. This isn't to say that I can't have the lunch in the oven while I'm finishing the morning lessons. But the idea of helping one kid cook ramen, one with a computerized math lesson, and one with math at the table simultaneously while emptying the dishwasher is now a complete anathema to me.

• Involving the children with the household tasks.

Before: Spend most of my day coaxing the children to do minimal amounts of work and generally having to redo their work myself.

Current: Every one has a routine in the morning that is to be completed before school starts. I try to split up tasks like preparing for or cleaning up a meal so each child can participate to their abilities. I still find myself cleaning up after them much more often than I'd like.

Working On: Breaking responsibilities in component parts and assigning them in advance. For example: Emma is in charge of feeding the bunny and replacing his hay each morning. Charlie changes his water bottle. I empty the bunny's tray each day. Emma is teaching Lucy how to brush the bunny's fur and they will rotate that job. Charlie, Emma and I rotate vacuuming the area where the bunny's cage is. I also am working to have them complete a job without my intervention.

So working on getting organized works for me. To see what works for those less organizationally challenged than myself step on over to WE ARE THAT FAMILY. To see all my other WFMW posts click Here.

Next Time: Hoppy Birthday

Four Weddings and a Funeral Part II

My brother passed away earlier this year. He was not yet 39. He was the youngest boy and second youngest child. Yet he got married before either of his brothers.

Lynn (my brother's bride) had gotten a winter wedding dress on sale. Now a hint for you June Brides: Don't get a winter wedding dress! She looked lovely, even when she fainted during the wedding!

It was the last wedding my Grandpa Friedrichs would attend. Keith's middle name was Bertram just like my Grandpa's first name. I remember him dancing at the wedding and Amy and I driving my grandparents home after the wedding. My Grandpa passed away later that year.

I was finishing my second year of living in South Carolina when Keith got married. I came in for the wedding and also to land a job as I had decided that I was going to come back to Illinois and court Amy. I got the job, so after the wedding I went back to South Carolina for a few weeks to tie up loose ends before I started.

When Keith got married 3 of my grandparents were still living. They have all since passed. At the wedding I knew that their time was closing to an end. However I never expected that I would be eulogizing my brother in the same church he was married in less than 12 years later.

I wanted to write this post to commemorate Keith's anniversary back in June. I just couldn't find the words then. Even now the somberness of his death makes it hard to recount the great joy of his wedding.

I have sat for about 20 minutes since writing the last paragraph. Not with writers block, just going over in my mind the events preceding Keith's wedding and those following it. He and Lynn took a Disney Cruise for their Honeymoon. I remember what a great uncle Keith was to my children and how much he loved his own kids. Our families spent a lot of time together over the years. Kid's birthdays, scouting and church events, carnivals and cookouts. Tomorrow we will head over there for his daughter's sixth birthday party.

As much as I miss Keith, I continue to celebrate his wedding and his life by spending time with his family and reminding his children what a great Dad they had.



Next Time: Boys are from Idaho or Albuquerque

A Busy (But Awesome) Weekend

A Weekend is a beautiful thing. This past weekend had it all romance, international intrigue, the lowest lows and the highest highs and cheesecake.

It started on Friday morning. Instead of the regular day at school we had a library day. We went to the library near my folks house as I would be doing an errand with my Dad later in the day. (More on that in a bit.)

Our youngest has been little miss panic lately. The moment I get out of the car with the express intentions of going around and letting her out she starts screaming at the top of her very able lungs "Don't leave me, don't leave me!" Usually at time one of the oblivious twins (They're not twins) starts to talk to me about something, seemingly unaware that the screaming soprano is in the middle of her aria.

Well I solve the crisis at hand and the four of us go into the library. Now I brought some of the kids work and wanted them to start on it right away as Lucy played. Nobody wanted to do anything I wanted them to. So, I gave in and gave them some free time. By this time I was quite frustrated with the three of them and when Lucy told me she found a new friend to play with, I was sarcastic with her.

By God's grace I regrouped. Formulated a plan to get the kids to do their work. Implemented the plan and interrupted Lucy's play time to tell her that Daddy had been unkind to her and ask her for her forgiveness. She forgave me, which is good. Now, I am pretty sure she did not understand that I had been sarcastic, but even so it was important for me to admit fault even to a 3 year old.

The rest of the time at the Library was uneventful, until Lucy had "an accident" on one of the libraries chairs. Which is very eventful. It was the kind of accident that requires a change of clothes, which I had not brought with me. There have been so many outings this year where I have had the change of clothes, and never needed it and on those occasions where there's no change of clothes, I usually end up needing them. So I apologized to the librarians, who assure me that such behavior is quite common. But seemed genuinely thankful and surprised that I told them what had happened and where. I feel sorry for anyone who just happens on such a discovery. We made a hasty retreat from the library and got to my folks as they pulled up. I got Lucy's clothes in the washer and my Mom took care of the kids while my Dad and I were off to Keith's house.

For people new to this blog, Keith is my youngest brother, and he passed away in April. About 6 weeks prior to that my Father had knee replacement surgery. Before the surgery My Dad was one of the most active man in his 70's I know. He is constantly on the move, between projects and 2 part time jobs and bridge and the list goes on he is always in movement. It is very difficult to believe when you see him sitting down more than 5 minutes at a time. But after the surgery, he has had to slow down quite a bit. He works very hard 5 days a week at rehab. But that takes most of his energy and wipes him out for the rest of the day. He had just gotten back from rehab when I got to his house. He needed me to drive and do most of the work on removing a desk in Keith's house and installing a new one. Work that he could normally do 3 to 4 times quicker and better than I could. We worked hard and got the job completed, we were able to donate the desk to a local Salvation Army rather than have to store it in his garage and deal with it later. We had some good talks about Keith, but being back in that house and seeing my Dad aging before my eyes, made it for a sobering afternoon.

It was close to 7 when we got back to my folks house. My Mom had fed the kids lunch and Dinner while we were gone. We drove back home and I took Amy out for a date. It was about 8:00 by this time. We went to a Mexican restaurant, that we enjoy. There was an NBA game on their television. The show was being telecast in Spanish. It reminded me of my years in Russia. How on Sundays they would play an NBA game on the television and of course it was dubbed in Russian.

Amy and I had a nice dinner and good conversation. We then went to the park district and walked 2 miles. It was a relaxing yet invigorating end to a excellent but difficult day.

In writing this portion I have decided that while this weekend took 3 days to live that I will take 3 days to recount it. Tomorrow's installment starts with a marriage conference. I will close today's installment with a comic strip I did, about something I did not learn at the marriage conference. My apologies to Cristina at Home Spun Juggling, for calling my work a comic strip. I merely thought of the concept and let the Internet do the rest. For a truly excellent strip check out her blog.

Next Time: A Busy (But Awesome) Weekend Part II, Come for the Conference Stay for the Cheesecake

Putting the fun back in funeral

Three Things Thursday time. Here is what I have for you today.

1. During the wake and funeral for my brother I was constantly remembering one of his favorite episodes from Night Court, one of his favorite television programs. The episode featured an undertaker with a warped sense of humor. His goal was to put "fun" back in funeral. Among his tricks of the trade he would put bumper stickers on the casket that said things like "My other car's a hearse" or "I'd rather be breathing."

2. I gave the eulogy Tuesday at Keith's funeral. I'd like to share to the best of my memory my remarks, and yes I did call the Catholic Priest "Pastor Ed". Keith's service was at the Catholic Church my family attended when we were growing up. My parents still go there and my Dad drives the bus for the churches elementary school. The entire student body came to the funeral.


Here is what I said ...


"On behalf of Lynn and her children, my parents and my brothers and sisters I'd like to welcome you to the Illinois regional Jeopardy auditions. (wait for laughter to subside) Keith and the rest of our family grew up at this church. The first funeral I recall attending was here. It was for the father of a school and scouting friend of Chris and mine. After the service, my dad approached the widow and said "38 is much too young to go."

Now, I was about 10, and like maybe many of you, (motioning to the students) 38 did not seem young to me at all. But let me tell you, 38 is much too young (Keith was 38 when he died). When you love somebody whenever they die it is always much too soon.

Many people who knew Keith only by his diagnosis (bi-polar disorder) might think that there were two Keith's. That was so untrue. There was only one Keith. He had a greater capacity for love and enjoyment than anyone I ever knew. He loved his family. He loved playing games and he loved jokes. He was active in his children's schooling and scouting. (I meant to talk briefly how he loved chess and how he was helping my son Charlie with his chess class on their last visit together a week before he died. I didn't get to that part. I also wanted to talk specifically about how much he loved his wife Lynn, missed that as well). He was logical to the point of being obnoxious or perhaps for the purpose of being obnoxious. He'd be at a a party at my house and I'd say "Keith there's Pepsi in the cooler if you want one." And he'd say "Actually, there's Pepsi in the cooler even if I don't want one."

Keith's passing has left many of us with the same question. A question my daughter Emma has asked many times this week. "Daddy, why did Uncle Keith have to die?" I don't think it was any coincidence that Keith died during Holy Week. During the same time that many of you were celebrating the stations of the cross and asking "Why did Jesus have to die?" Pastor Ed you are right Keith is not asking those questions now. Keith understood the hope of the resurrection and He is in heaven right now with his Savior.

During the past 3 years during the course of his illness, (Keith had heart and kidney ailments) many people have stopped me and asked me "How is Keith? How is your brother doing?" Keith is doing great. He is doing better than we can even imagine.


3. Yesterday the day after the funeral, I decided to seek comfort in comfort food. It is one of those foods that I enjoy making as much as I do eating. There is a food product at the Mexican grocery store near my house called duros or wheels. They are like a meatless pork rind. For $1.50 you can get a large bag of them prepared. But for about $2.00 you can buy a bag of them uncooked that makes 8-10 times the large bag. Not quite enough for Frugal Friday, but still fun on a budget. All of my children like to eat or prepare the treat.

Here is what they look like uncooked . . .









Here is what one looks like after being cooked in hot oil . . . You will notice it's in the same bowl.



So there's my 3 things combining fun, funeral and food. To see more three things this Thursday go to Psalm 104:24


Next Time: 4 Weddings and a Funeral.