Married Eyes: Not Open and Shut Case.

My daughter is becoming obsessed with her wedding. If it were my ten year old this would be a little disconcerting, but understandable. It, alas, is my 3 year old. She has been peppering us with marriage questions lately. The most recent was a doozy:


"Do you have to close your eyes to be married?"


Well yesterday we watched our wedding video from '98. We showed Lucy that yes our eyes were indeed open.


You bloggers know that every thing that happens in the life of a blogger reminds them of a good blog post idea. Well this most recent Lucyism was no exception. It got me thinking about the expectations we have when it comes to relationships.


When it comes to marriage, some people enter in with their eyes closed. They do this for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes it is simply not having a proper understanding of the differences between men and women.


I heard an excellent sermon series a few decades back by Bill Hybels, Senior Pastor of Willow Creek Church. He stated that men often compartmentalize their activities. When a young man is wooing a woman, he will pull out all the stops: candlelight, dinners, moon lit walks, poetry, flowers, candy, the whole bit. Hybels stated that after the wedding that the husband will now refocus those energies that he put into courtship, into advancing his career. So now the energies that were devoted to his fiancee are channeled into making a better living for them.



Hybels goes onto say that the woman felt that this "special treatment" was going to continue long through the marriage. When it ends the woman may begin to wonder if they married the right person. Hybels does it much better justice than I do, but the point remains opening your eyes to the inner working of the opposite gender especially of that special someone can make the transition from romance to honeymoon to marital life that much smoother.



Other times eyes are closed based, as they say in court room dramas, "from making assumptions not based on facts in evidence." By this I mean, for instance, if you are romantically interested in someone who has the second largest collection of Star Wars Action figures in the county, you shouldn't be surprised that once you're married, he continues to buy new ones week after week.


Many times closed eyes occurs from settling. People often feel that they have to lower their standards in order to find a marriage partner. Sometimes, as we will discover in a few paragraphs, they do need to as their "standards" were unattainable. Often, however, standards are lowered for no other reason than fear of being alone the rest of their life. I have seen teenagers lower their standards for this reason. Teenagers!


Here are two examples of what people should not settle on:


1. If you are a Christian do not marry an unbeliever. This is what the bible calls unequally yoked. The word picture is that of two different sized oxen plowing a field. Tethered together pulling in different directions, no useful plowing can be done. The same is true of the person trying to please God and the other trying to please only themselves. Don't just take their word either. Look closely at their life.


In applying for jobs when I was in college, I would often be asked how many words a minute I could type. Now I could have certainly exaggerated my WPM in order to have a better chance at the job. The thing was, that the employer generally followed up the application process with a typing test to determine my true WPM. This is a good practice in relationships as well, look for outward evidence of professions.

2. Do not marry anyone who is ever physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Too many people marry known abusers, thinking either they deserve the abuse or that they can change the abuser. If someone hits you once, the deals off. Don't think that you need to marry them because this might be your last chance. You need not to marry them for the same reason!


Other settling that can be avoided is marrying out of fear rather than love. The bible states that perfect love casts out all fear. I did not marry until I was in my mid 30's. Prior to courting Amy, I was getting to the point where I was considering lowering my standards. I t would have been easy for me to lower my standards and settle for less than God's best for me. Instead, I yielded my will to God. For the first time in almost 15 years, I felt at peace with the idea of being single the rest of my days. It was at that point that my eyes were opened to the possibility that my best friend of 7 years, could also be the woman I was looking for all my life. Amy also had accepted singleness as a gift rather than a curse and had chosen not to settle for something outside of God's timing.


As I stated before, sometimes our eyes can be too open. My older sister planned her wedding out for years before she ever met her husband. Specifically she had planned out all the songs that would be played at her wedding reception. I think she had 8-10 hours of must songs by the time she met Andy. Mercifully, not every must song was played at her wedding.


In the same way not every thing on your list for your future spouses attributes may need to be there. Over the years people change and what you felt was a must for a spouse when you were married could no longer be true 5 years into the thing.


As I have mentioned here before I plan on following a courtship model for my own children. This means I will be very involved in my daughters' and son's selection process. While courtship may not be for everyone,I strongly advocate the involvement of parents, other family members, and friends in the spousal selection process.

My lists for my childrens' spouses may be different than their own lists. This would be for 2 reasons: 1) As their father, I have a certain amount of insight into their character and their needs. 2) As a married man, I will have a better understanding of what is needed for a strong marriage than they would. I plan on taking advantage of the many opportunities I have to relate these insights to my children as they grow.

So no Lucy, you don't have to have your eyes closed to get married. I'm gonna keep my eyes open, on your behalf.

Next time: Four Weddings and a Funeral. Part III.

Question: What can wash away our sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus!

Listening to this song I was reminded of the verse in Jeremiah that says:

"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." Jeremiah 2:13 NIV

When man rejects Jesus, God's own Son, who is the one and only way to the Father and then attempts to find peace, joy and happiness on their own, they are really digging broken cisterns (wells) unable to hold water.

Only the blood of Jesus can wash away our sins! Only the blood of Jesus can make us whole again. I am amazed by the grace of God that he would send his only Son to die on behalf of my sins. It is 100% God and 0% me and it humbles and elates me when I dwell upon it!

I am not usually this point blank in your face here in blog world. But since I firmly believe that I had no part in my salvation other than that as a recipient, I would be remiss not to Glorify God for the great work He has done.

This has been another installment of Six Word Saturday. See what other words are being shared by heading over to SHOW MY FACE DOT COM. To see my previous six word submissions click HERE.

Next Time: Another Lucyism

Only drank water in August. Hello September!

Had a Diet Mountain Dew for lunch this afternoon. That is not unusual as Mountain Dew is one of my favorite drinks. In August I decided to drink only water for the entire month. Liking to title my endeavors, I called it Agua only August.

Agua only August was more difficult and less rewarding for me than No junk food June had been. The truth is, in my wife's vocabulary, I am a drinkaholic. I am constantly drinking something. More often than not it's a soda. Because of the HFCS in most sodas, I have switched to diet. But those also have a boatload of chemicals in them. So I decided to give them up entirely for a month and drink only water.

The problem was that I often forgot to drink water and I was eating a load of fiber, so I was often bloated. I finally got into the swim of drinking only water, but it was still difficult. The hardest time was the weekend we went camping. When I was a kid, we were never allowed to drink pop. Except, I should say, on special occasions. Camping was one of those special occasions and for 4-5 weekends and 2 full weeks every summer we drank pop, and plenty of it. As a result, it seemed unnatural for me not to drink pop on the trip.

Before I get the nasty comments that I received for turning the TV off for the summer or having the whole family forgo sugar and junk food in June, let me say that the water restrictions were for me only. Amy and the kids were free to drink what they usually drink.

A little less than 1/2 way through August, Amy handed me some concoction she had made in the blender and asked me to try it. I am often sampling her wares so the request was not unusual. A few minutes later I realized that I had just drank something other than water and was very upset I had not met my goal.

Amy assured me that what she had given me was not technically a drink. It was a smoothie composed of bananas, blueberries and strawberries with no other liquid added. She said it was the equivalent of eating those fruits and should not count against me as a beverage.

Well if she was wrong, I certainly will not be the first man to be misled by his wife as far as fruit is concerned. What she said made sense to me and I "drank" several of her smoothies over the remainder of the month with out being paralyzed by guilt nor shame.

In these first few days of September, I have had 1 or 2 sodas and a few glasses of milk. The August experience has taught me that if I can knock off pop entirely for a month, that I should be able also to drink it in moderation. While it is nice to have more choices available, I am finding that I am reaching for water more now than I would have before.

Next Time: Six Word Saturday